Middle of the night clarity

I was looking at another knitter's blog the other day, which has not been updated in ages. I even felt a little irked about the lack of new material. Then I realized it was time to take a good long look in the mirror. It's been almost a month since my last post. Prolific isn't a word that describes me anymore. Maybe it's because I'm a part time hermit. Not much happening Chez Ash. I doubt that anyone wants to read about my Mah Jongg marathons, fascination with British television, or giving the mailman the side eye (which turned out to be a mistake). These things aren't that compelling to me, and it's my life. So I scribble lists of ideas on scraps of graph paper, hoping that they'll make an entertaining post, but I can't put my back into it these days.

I am having a one of those big, round number birthdays this weekend and I don't know how I feel about it. Everyone else seems freaked out, including my grandmother, who didn't tell anyone that she was turning eighty last year. Oh, and when I tell people, they make a face and react as though I'd just told them that I have a potentially fatal tropical disease. Every birthday is just another step towards the undiscovered country.

My birthday gift to myself this year? No longer giving a shit. I've been thinking about all of the drama of the last year, all of the calamities that befell me and I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. Fuck that shit and feeling that I somehow deserved any of it. I'm done with my low self esteem decade. I've decided that I'm going to enjoy being an adult, despite all of its less than fun elements. I like being old enough to drink, smoke, drive my own car, not treat my body like a temple as I promised to in DARE, make my own decisions and live with them, feel confident in my skills, have a passport with stamps in it, and have "colorful" friends. I'm tired of feeling like a pathetic shit magnet. I don't want to hesitate to dream or live anymore, to not feel good enough to try to obtain or achieve anything I want.

So, I'll celebrate my birthday how I want this year, with whom I please. I'll have my traditional Shamrock shake and eat and drink too much. I decided to put my frankly large foot down this year, because I want to enjoy myself, instead of pleasing everyone else and being miserable. And, yes, I do know that Shamrock shakes are disgusting.